Heavy Company

After great pain, a formal feeling comes. The Nerves sit ceremonious, like tombs.

                                                                                ~Emily Dickinson

I would rather this site be used for celebrating life, but it is also used to work out my deepest feelings.  I have always been a pensive thinker, seeing poetry in all aspects of life.  Joni Mitchell said it best, "When you dig down deep/ you lose good sleep/ and it makes you heavy company."  The poetry that pricks the subconscious bringing inner most emotions to light has always touched me more than say a poem about a flower.  Right now I feel I'm in a hypersensitive state, almost too conscious of things around me.  Things that I should let go of I still feel within me.  This past year has hit me too hard in many aspects of my life, for a person that is already a sensitive soul to begin with.  I just feel like retracting myself because I can't stand another blow.  Someone told me recently that being of French background is a curse because you feel everything.  What part does depression play as opposed to genetic makeup?  Yes, I said the D word.  I thought that was all behind me but I'm forced to deal with the fact that it's upon me again.

As far as people go I'm not holding grudges.  Yes, we all make mistakes.  Yes, we should all forgive one another.  I get that.  It's not a question of that.  You can forgive someone that beat the crap out of you, but the bruises take awhile to heal, and they still cause pain.  Does this mean I'm a recluse?  That I've sworn off people?  No, I go about my day like everyone else.  There is a wall around my heart though for its own protection.  And to be honest, only therapy will make it go away. Until that happens usually writing poems helps, but this time around gardening really helps too.  Geez, you know I'm getting old when I start talking about gardening.  In addition, I have become all to conscious of my own shortcomings and how they affect others.  Yes, the logical thing to do would be to correct them and be a better person.  The real me just wants to crawl under a rock and stay put. 

There are many good things in my life right now that I will share soon, I just had to get this out in the open.  It's not easy for me to put this out there for you to be reading.  Some people are more empathetic than others.  I just figure life is not all rainbows and bunny rabbits for anyone.  Sometimes it's better to deal with the less appealing aspects of ourselves than pretend they don't exist.  If I am relating to one person out there so they don't feel as alone, this post was not in vain.

...see?  I even feel a little better getting this off my chest.

The other Burns girl

Ah it's has been an eternity by internet standards since my last post.  For two weeks I was driving my sister to college.  Julie you ask?  No...the other Burns girl, Jennifer.  Not many people actually know I have two sisters.  The reason being she never wanted to be a part of my life, or of anyone's life for that matter.  It's easy to live in your own little world and judge people from your own pedestal.  But there's more to the story...

My sister Jen and I are just about 10 years apart, shy of two months.  So, right there that creates a generational gap.  I moved an hour away when she was ten.  Within a year, I was pregnant and married.  She did come to the wedding. She did see Julian once when he was an infant.  The next time she saw him, he was eager, friendly three year old.  I had dropped my mom off at home around the same time she got off the bus from school.  She got off the bus, looked at Julian, went around him, and went in the door.  Ok so you're a wanna-be-goth-chic, does that mean you have to be evil to children too?  That set the stage on how I would feel about her for the next seven years.  It's very complicated as to why she is this way, and why my parents condone it.  I don't understand it myself, since I missed the formation of her as an individual.

Flash forward to two weeks ago.  My mom asks me to take my sister to college.  She doesn't drive, and her friend's car broke down.  Oh, my mom doesn't drive either.  She never got used to not having public transportation when my family migrated from Philadelphia.  I think my mom and my sister think that driving is too big a responsibility on themselves.  I am much more of the independent set like my other sister, so I don't get it.  So I say as long as she gives me gas money, I am able to help her.  She is my sister after all.  Maybe having her confined to a car with me with force her to open her eyes and see I'm not a bad person (oh and my children aren't either).

My plan works!  After two days of this, her heart grew three times it's size.  She had to spend time at my house part of the week, and actually had a good time.  She loved my kids and said she would babysitter sometime.  I'm not going to rush on that offer but the sentiment was good.  She told my other sister, she thought all kids were brats before seeing mine.  The logic in that statement is nil, all the way around.  I think that's why she had no desire to know mine.  I'm just glad to have given her a glimpse into how wonderful children can be.  It's a shame that my son will be ten this year and she's missed out on so much due to her "prejudice."

For everything here I've just mentioned, you'd think we would have nothing in common.  She actually has the goal of majoring in French.  She loves discussing Victorian novels and their signifigance in society (or lack thereof).  Other times, she was far from my reaches of conversation with talk of anime, German techno, and Japanese glam rock.  I found her to be harsh and insecure at the same time.  I don't think we'll start talking on a regular basis.  It's just nice to be able to think of her now with pleasant thoughts in mind.

A Letter to a Punk

Inspired by today's events, I present to you a letter I will never give, to a jerk who needs a wake up call.

Dear Punk,

Did you feel cool giving me the middle finger after almost running over my daughter and me? Do you feel a detached sense of yourself to fellow humans that allows you not feel remorse? Good for you. You will go on with your life hurting many people, emotionally and physically. We almost became the latter. Maybe it's the thrill that turns you on. Do you want to see our blood on your windshield? Do you want the street cred that living in a small town denies you?

Let me tell you what a normal person would have done in your situation. When they drive through a busy parking lot, normal people watch for pedestrians (they are the people walking to and from their cars, by the way). I know big words confuse you.  If they should see one of these pe-des-tri-ans, they don't speed up hoping that person will just move. They slow down knowing they could be charged with homicide. You see, there are people that have little legs called children that can't move as fast as you would like them to. Hard to imagine, but you were one of those helpless little people yourself in a time long ago...like 5 years ago.

I had to yell at you to slow down. Any protective mother would have done so. Someone had to put you in your place. Someone had to tell you no, maybe it's the first time you heard the word. Maybe you felt one up'ed by me in front of your girlfriend. That's why you gave me the finger. Am I supposed to feel threatened now? Am I supposed to feel that now YOU have the upper hand? Will your girlfriend somehow have more respect for you seeing you're a rebel? Don't be so silly. A MAN would have slowed down. A MAN would have seen a child and downshifted. Your age may show you are a man on your criminal record, but you will never be a real man without a level of compassion. If your girlfriend is white trash like you, you've hit the jackpot. If she is wise, she will leave you to seek out real human contact.

I yelled at you that someday you would have children. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you'll demand that your girlfriend gets an abortion because you'll never be able to love anyone but yourself. Maybe someday you and your wife will struggle for years with infertility, crying together after each negative on the pregnancy tests.  No it's a possibility that you may never have children.  But give me the privilege of raising the ones I have.

Jerk.

Your friendly small town neighbor,

Karen

Thanks for letting me vent, readers.  This style of blog writing is not my own.  I was inspired by the mom that writes the blog www.suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com.  She had written a letter to a childless young woman annoyed at her own child's presence.  It's a very therapeutic way of writing. And the moral of the story?  If you or your teen are an aggressive driver...stop being one.  Let your teen know they are mortal.  Dying happens too easily everyday, often for stupid reasons.