Heavy Company

After great pain, a formal feeling comes. The Nerves sit ceremonious, like tombs.

                                                                                ~Emily Dickinson

I would rather this site be used for celebrating life, but it is also used to work out my deepest feelings.  I have always been a pensive thinker, seeing poetry in all aspects of life.  Joni Mitchell said it best, "When you dig down deep/ you lose good sleep/ and it makes you heavy company."  The poetry that pricks the subconscious bringing inner most emotions to light has always touched me more than say a poem about a flower.  Right now I feel I'm in a hypersensitive state, almost too conscious of things around me.  Things that I should let go of I still feel within me.  This past year has hit me too hard in many aspects of my life, for a person that is already a sensitive soul to begin with.  I just feel like retracting myself because I can't stand another blow.  Someone told me recently that being of French background is a curse because you feel everything.  What part does depression play as opposed to genetic makeup?  Yes, I said the D word.  I thought that was all behind me but I'm forced to deal with the fact that it's upon me again.

As far as people go I'm not holding grudges.  Yes, we all make mistakes.  Yes, we should all forgive one another.  I get that.  It's not a question of that.  You can forgive someone that beat the crap out of you, but the bruises take awhile to heal, and they still cause pain.  Does this mean I'm a recluse?  That I've sworn off people?  No, I go about my day like everyone else.  There is a wall around my heart though for its own protection.  And to be honest, only therapy will make it go away. Until that happens usually writing poems helps, but this time around gardening really helps too.  Geez, you know I'm getting old when I start talking about gardening.  In addition, I have become all to conscious of my own shortcomings and how they affect others.  Yes, the logical thing to do would be to correct them and be a better person.  The real me just wants to crawl under a rock and stay put. 

There are many good things in my life right now that I will share soon, I just had to get this out in the open.  It's not easy for me to put this out there for you to be reading.  Some people are more empathetic than others.  I just figure life is not all rainbows and bunny rabbits for anyone.  Sometimes it's better to deal with the less appealing aspects of ourselves than pretend they don't exist.  If I am relating to one person out there so they don't feel as alone, this post was not in vain.

...see?  I even feel a little better getting this off my chest.