Heavy Company

After great pain, a formal feeling comes. The Nerves sit ceremonious, like tombs.

                                                                                ~Emily Dickinson

I would rather this site be used for celebrating life, but it is also used to work out my deepest feelings.  I have always been a pensive thinker, seeing poetry in all aspects of life.  Joni Mitchell said it best, "When you dig down deep/ you lose good sleep/ and it makes you heavy company."  The poetry that pricks the subconscious bringing inner most emotions to light has always touched me more than say a poem about a flower.  Right now I feel I'm in a hypersensitive state, almost too conscious of things around me.  Things that I should let go of I still feel within me.  This past year has hit me too hard in many aspects of my life, for a person that is already a sensitive soul to begin with.  I just feel like retracting myself because I can't stand another blow.  Someone told me recently that being of French background is a curse because you feel everything.  What part does depression play as opposed to genetic makeup?  Yes, I said the D word.  I thought that was all behind me but I'm forced to deal with the fact that it's upon me again.

As far as people go I'm not holding grudges.  Yes, we all make mistakes.  Yes, we should all forgive one another.  I get that.  It's not a question of that.  You can forgive someone that beat the crap out of you, but the bruises take awhile to heal, and they still cause pain.  Does this mean I'm a recluse?  That I've sworn off people?  No, I go about my day like everyone else.  There is a wall around my heart though for its own protection.  And to be honest, only therapy will make it go away. Until that happens usually writing poems helps, but this time around gardening really helps too.  Geez, you know I'm getting old when I start talking about gardening.  In addition, I have become all to conscious of my own shortcomings and how they affect others.  Yes, the logical thing to do would be to correct them and be a better person.  The real me just wants to crawl under a rock and stay put. 

There are many good things in my life right now that I will share soon, I just had to get this out in the open.  It's not easy for me to put this out there for you to be reading.  Some people are more empathetic than others.  I just figure life is not all rainbows and bunny rabbits for anyone.  Sometimes it's better to deal with the less appealing aspects of ourselves than pretend they don't exist.  If I am relating to one person out there so they don't feel as alone, this post was not in vain.

...see?  I even feel a little better getting this off my chest.

The other Burns girl

Ah it's has been an eternity by internet standards since my last post.  For two weeks I was driving my sister to college.  Julie you ask?  No...the other Burns girl, Jennifer.  Not many people actually know I have two sisters.  The reason being she never wanted to be a part of my life, or of anyone's life for that matter.  It's easy to live in your own little world and judge people from your own pedestal.  But there's more to the story...

My sister Jen and I are just about 10 years apart, shy of two months.  So, right there that creates a generational gap.  I moved an hour away when she was ten.  Within a year, I was pregnant and married.  She did come to the wedding. She did see Julian once when he was an infant.  The next time she saw him, he was eager, friendly three year old.  I had dropped my mom off at home around the same time she got off the bus from school.  She got off the bus, looked at Julian, went around him, and went in the door.  Ok so you're a wanna-be-goth-chic, does that mean you have to be evil to children too?  That set the stage on how I would feel about her for the next seven years.  It's very complicated as to why she is this way, and why my parents condone it.  I don't understand it myself, since I missed the formation of her as an individual.

Flash forward to two weeks ago.  My mom asks me to take my sister to college.  She doesn't drive, and her friend's car broke down.  Oh, my mom doesn't drive either.  She never got used to not having public transportation when my family migrated from Philadelphia.  I think my mom and my sister think that driving is too big a responsibility on themselves.  I am much more of the independent set like my other sister, so I don't get it.  So I say as long as she gives me gas money, I am able to help her.  She is my sister after all.  Maybe having her confined to a car with me with force her to open her eyes and see I'm not a bad person (oh and my children aren't either).

My plan works!  After two days of this, her heart grew three times it's size.  She had to spend time at my house part of the week, and actually had a good time.  She loved my kids and said she would babysitter sometime.  I'm not going to rush on that offer but the sentiment was good.  She told my other sister, she thought all kids were brats before seeing mine.  The logic in that statement is nil, all the way around.  I think that's why she had no desire to know mine.  I'm just glad to have given her a glimpse into how wonderful children can be.  It's a shame that my son will be ten this year and she's missed out on so much due to her "prejudice."

For everything here I've just mentioned, you'd think we would have nothing in common.  She actually has the goal of majoring in French.  She loves discussing Victorian novels and their signifigance in society (or lack thereof).  Other times, she was far from my reaches of conversation with talk of anime, German techno, and Japanese glam rock.  I found her to be harsh and insecure at the same time.  I don't think we'll start talking on a regular basis.  It's just nice to be able to think of her now with pleasant thoughts in mind.

A Letter to a Punk

Inspired by today's events, I present to you a letter I will never give, to a jerk who needs a wake up call.

Dear Punk,

Did you feel cool giving me the middle finger after almost running over my daughter and me? Do you feel a detached sense of yourself to fellow humans that allows you not feel remorse? Good for you. You will go on with your life hurting many people, emotionally and physically. We almost became the latter. Maybe it's the thrill that turns you on. Do you want to see our blood on your windshield? Do you want the street cred that living in a small town denies you?

Let me tell you what a normal person would have done in your situation. When they drive through a busy parking lot, normal people watch for pedestrians (they are the people walking to and from their cars, by the way). I know big words confuse you.  If they should see one of these pe-des-tri-ans, they don't speed up hoping that person will just move. They slow down knowing they could be charged with homicide. You see, there are people that have little legs called children that can't move as fast as you would like them to. Hard to imagine, but you were one of those helpless little people yourself in a time long ago...like 5 years ago.

I had to yell at you to slow down. Any protective mother would have done so. Someone had to put you in your place. Someone had to tell you no, maybe it's the first time you heard the word. Maybe you felt one up'ed by me in front of your girlfriend. That's why you gave me the finger. Am I supposed to feel threatened now? Am I supposed to feel that now YOU have the upper hand? Will your girlfriend somehow have more respect for you seeing you're a rebel? Don't be so silly. A MAN would have slowed down. A MAN would have seen a child and downshifted. Your age may show you are a man on your criminal record, but you will never be a real man without a level of compassion. If your girlfriend is white trash like you, you've hit the jackpot. If she is wise, she will leave you to seek out real human contact.

I yelled at you that someday you would have children. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you'll demand that your girlfriend gets an abortion because you'll never be able to love anyone but yourself. Maybe someday you and your wife will struggle for years with infertility, crying together after each negative on the pregnancy tests.  No it's a possibility that you may never have children.  But give me the privilege of raising the ones I have.

Jerk.

Your friendly small town neighbor,

Karen

Thanks for letting me vent, readers.  This style of blog writing is not my own.  I was inspired by the mom that writes the blog www.suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com.  She had written a letter to a childless young woman annoyed at her own child's presence.  It's a very therapeutic way of writing. And the moral of the story?  If you or your teen are an aggressive driver...stop being one.  Let your teen know they are mortal.  Dying happens too easily everyday, often for stupid reasons.

New Audio Drama Ready for Download

Episode 1 of the new audio Hippocratic Oath written by George Maglio is ready for download here (28MB).  An opening title sequence can be seen here (12MB). (Let me know if you can't see it.) Episode two is ready on the website. Here's the blurb:

If you die in the future, what do they put on your gravestone? The Doctor is like the spinning of the earth, the fire of the stars, and the flow of time itself and he will find me a cure. Still with everything that has happened I fear that even the Doctor doesn’t have the time or the resources to remedy me and save everyone else. And if my death can save all these people…


Moria Skye
1977 - 5021?

The cast is amazing and so is the editing. If you haven't downloaded any audios from SegalChord Productions, you don't know what you're missing! Just for fun, I've included some reviews of my work with them over the years.

Project Alpha:
"Karen Holliday was wonderful as Moira (she imitates choking REALLY well!)"

Hortima Prime:
"First thing that comes to mind, this was very much Karen Holliday's finest performance as Moira Skye thus far. Moira is a much more matter-of-fact companion than Christine was, and Karen's delivery fits Moira's character perfectly. The Doctor-Moira relationship is still developing, and it will be interesting to see the direction that the DWAD production staff will take it."

Various:
"I love Moira Skye! She has just so much flavor & interesting little things about her!"

"I like Moira. While I will certainly miss Christine, I think Moira will have a chance to shine more as she no longer has to share the spotlight. I didn't think Moira comes across as unnatural; I just see her as such a different character than Christine, more mature and practical, less prone to emotional extremes. Also, as Ms. Holliday has a chance to flesh out her portrayal, I think we'll see her excel in the role."

A quick thanks for everyone's encouragment and patience (my editor's at least!). I'm honored to lend my voice to this great series and hope to continue with them after my run is up as Moira. It's a great outlet for my creative juices. This newest audio challenged me as an actor and was fun in the process. From what I understand, the series is now available on iTunes as well.

The crazy week I can now put behind me

Lately I've been blogging (when I can) more about my life and less on social commentary. This post will have a little bit of both. I know I use the titles stay at home mom and paraprofessional interchangably. Most times it's the former. Once in awhile it's the latter; such is the life of a substitute. I've been thinking what's a position that I could bring my daughter to, since childcare would cost me an arm and a leg (and a kidney). In my current position there are too many ifs. I can work if Julio's daycare at work can take Madeleine. If I haven't scheduled anything important already. So every once in awhile I'll see an ad for assistance for an elderly couple. Help with shopping, cooking, etc. I saw one for part-time and gave it a shot. The woman on the other end said the position was filled but would I consider a substitute position? What the heck? I brought Madeleine with me to the interview and we all hit it off right away. I came in the following week for orientation. I felt overwhelmed with certain required duties but I've reached the end of the rope for part-time easy going employment. The majority of the work would be no sweat. I've worked for a cranky old man before. (cough, cough DENTIST cough, cough) So as long as everyone involved was nice, I'd be okay.
I quickly got a call to substitute a few days after orientation. I had to juggle having Philly this week, the in-laws up, house hunting with my brother-in-law, homework and everything else. I didn't have much time to think how nervous I'd be. I've had some pretty interesting jobs, but giving an old person a shower? While they're...naked? I wasn't freaked out about the idea so much, but more scared of one of them falling and me being alone to deal with the aftermath.
The children had fun with the in-laws while I had my first day of work. It's so strange how you can know someone ten years and still feel uncomfortable around them. Then others you can know for five minutes and feel at home in their company. I got the warm fuzzy feeling from this couple. They are about 80 years old and still have their minds well in tact. Not only that, but they are incredibly funny, entertaining people. Literally. She was a soloist and did children's theatre. He sang in a barbershop quartet for 30 years. My kind of people. He is constantly cracking jokes, and she cracks them back. They spent their Friday night watching Law and Order and looking at old miscellaneous papers. I sat next to her like a granddaughter would her grandmother as she related stories of her past. She showed me her birth certificate (b. 1926) which was not written up till she turned 16. We take having birth certificates for granted nowadays. She had love notes she gave her husband, and an old passport. From there, we got to talk about France. They visited 1975, me, 1995. It was a mutual goal to see Mont St. Michel in Normandy. It's rare for me to meet someone else who has visited there. The wife talked about shopping and dining in Paris. And...I'm getting paid for this? The truth be told, I miss my grandparents dearly. I miss the peace I feel when talking with with them, even though we had little in common. It was emotionally calming to me to be reminded of a time when it was just they and I. I felt I had a little of that back that night. However, I never had to give them a shower.
It has to be hard for a person to have someone else shower you. I take for granted that I can have peace in the shower because there is no one else there. So I wanted to keep their dignity in tact while showering them. I brought the wife in first. I didn't feel weird at all. Again, just concerned she would fall. She sat down and undressed. I could tell how relaxing it was to her to have a shower. It was more like girl time than work. We chatted away like we knew eachother's souls. Like I was looking at my older self in the mirror. She did not fall so my goal was accomplished. Her husband was much more pickier. He is more self sufficient than his wife, but I was unclear on what was what he could do and what he couldn't. Thank goodness he took care of his private needs because I would have been uncomfortable being it's my first night. We all survived.

When I got home I was exhausted and realized I still had homework. Got that done. Woke up today and realized I had homework for the other class which is now considered late. I'm just glad this week is done and pray next week isn't so crazy.

It never hurts to ask...

This week has been frustrating with Julio still being in pain and having his car in the shop for a week. I have been carless and in this town I'm discovering it's not very walkable. I haven't been able to take Madeleine to preschool, I couldn't pick Julian up from school yesterday when he had a bathroom accident. I was starting to walk the 3/4 of a mile there (since he missed the bus home) and Julian's aide came to my rescue! She picked us up and drove us to and from. It was sad to me that I couldn't think of one person that would be home to help me. I'm friendly enough with the neighbor but don't feel comfortable asking her for help. The other neighbors are aloof and distant. Oh and the other one that is friendly I think is creepy.

The title of this post is about a completely different topic, but now that I'm looking at it perhaps I should apply it in other arenas. Well this story involves the Decemberists. Remember that I preordered a Colin Meloy CD, and he was going to sign the first 300 copies? Well I missed out on that. However, when I initially ordered they somehow charged me twice. We got them to take the charge off but wound up getting two CDs. Both without Colin's signature. So I e-mailed their "store" telling them my conscience would not let me keep the other CD. I would mail it back to them. I also wrote how upset I was I missed out on the signed copies and if I sent my own copy, could it be signed? I never dreamed Jim Davis would write back, why not Colin Meloy? Well a woman wrote back thanking me for my honesty and if I sent both back, she would send me a signed copy that was a part of a few additional one he signed. I'm so excited! And all I had to do was ask.

Weekend Wrap Up

 Last Friday was our "dating" anniversary that we always celebrate in little ways. It is our eleventh year together as a couple. For those of you who didn't know us back then, this picture is of us. Shocking, yes. We both were a little skinnier and both had more hair on our heads. You would think we were dating already in this picture, but we were both just huggy sort of people then. (Now we're old and bitingly sarcastic.) Well, my anniversary surprise was coming home from work to a sparkling clean house. And for Julio, he got the chance buy a particular book he had his eye on (Spiderman something, sorry I can't remember!) Last year was the extra fancy anniversary with a cruise on the Spirit of Philadelphia so it makes sense this year was low key.
The majority of our anniversary was spent in traffic. It had been awhile since I'd seen my cousin and her family so we planned a sleepover from Friday to Saturday. Friday night traffic in Philly? Bad idea. It was actually a stand still from King of Prussia to the Vine Street Expressway. So around 9:30 we arrived and got to spend some fun quality time before everyone went to bed. (Even though I had to complete an assigment due that night.) The next day the weather seemed like it was going to hold up so we went to a used book sale at the Ocean City (NJ) library. Now I have more books to add to my endless pile. (Yes, still reading the L.M.M. journal) Then it started to rain and we switched gears to go to the Hamilton Mall. While there, Julio had been complaining of groin pain. Not an area that should have too much pain. As we were leaving, it got considerably worse. I called the family doctor who advised to go to the ER. Julio was reluctant to go to a hospital (Shore Memorial) so far from home. But after Kim said she heard glowing recommendations and his pain kept increasing, we went. The children were lovingly watched by her and my uncle at Friendly's while we went. The wait wasn't bad and the staff was friendly enough. It turned out he had an infection in a gland above his right testicle. Hey, you've been reading my blog long enough, it's time you knew my husband had some. They gave him pain meds and an antibiotic and released him. We were so worried it was something more complicated. By this time it was 10:00. The wind and rain picked up, the kids were already sound asleep, it made sense to spend another night, which my cousin graciously offered. (Thanks!)We were up and out the next day so sad to say goodbye to everyone.

When we got home I was so excited to see a letter from Jim Davis in our mailbox. Not knowing who Jim Davis is in our household is blasphemous so I'll tell you. He's the creator of the Garfield comic. About 2 weeks ago, I had an idea to e-mail Jim Davis and tell him how much my son loves Garfield. I went on Garfield.com and there's a link to e-mail him. I told him how my son has read every book, and how it helps with his anxiety. Also, I thanked him for introducing my son to phrases like "little black book." I included my address but only expected an e-mail back, if that. What a treat to get an autographed postcard and a letter thanking us for such a wonderful email. Julian didn't know what to think. He was so excited and at the same time worried if he now was going to be famous too. Since he was three, he doesn't like attention drawn to him in that way. He thought I wrote Jim Davis with the comic strip idea he had...oops. Maybe next time. That was just a nice touch to a rollercoaster weekend.